u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
