This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
