a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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