how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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