I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
