i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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