Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
