he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
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listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
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Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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