i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
i've created a new STD.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
