The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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