I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
