your thong is hanging out like whoa
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Randomize
