I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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