I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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