I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
