i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
