Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
