I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
