The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
