YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
