yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
