Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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