dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
