Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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