He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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