yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Randomize
