I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
