using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Randomize
