Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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