I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
