I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
