i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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