tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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