I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
