this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
