your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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