Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
