apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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