You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
My legs feel like baby dolphins
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Randomize