I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
