Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I would fuck him just for his dog
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
