She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
