i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
