it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
