Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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