Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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