We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
