Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
