It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
