I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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