Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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