It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
i've created a new STD.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
