You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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