just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
