It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
