I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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