you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
