At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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