Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
