my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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