Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
