i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
